I had made arrangements for Michelle, the owner of the kennel where my dogs stayed while I was in the hospital, to drop them off at my new home. Michelle in fact was glad that I could finally get them back. She told me that they had been there so long that they were behaving like they owned the place and were becoming dominate over the other dogs.
The doorbell rang and I knew my dogs had arrived. I had not seen them in six months. I opened the door and both of them entered with their tails wagging and they instantly got busy sniffing all around the entrance hall way. Michelle handed me two new leashes to match the new collars she had put on the dogs. While the dogs ventured up the stairs to the living room, Michelle and I had a chat about payment for kennelling them. I then thanked her and she left and closed the door behind her. Both my dogs ran to the door and began whimpering. I felt bad for them because I knew Michelle had become their fur mom for a long time and they had become attached to her.
While they were still at the door whimpering, I went up to the living room and called them. They looked at me for a second, then refocused on the door.
"They don't know this place but surely they remember me" I thought.
I called them again and this time they came to me, sniffed me for a bit with their tails wagging. They followed me to the couch, and as I sat down they tussled with each other to get on my lap for attention. Yeah! My dogs were back. Now my townhouse felt like home.
I got back on the local buy and sell web site to see what I needed for my home. Instead of determining what I needed and looking for that, I looked for for things for sale that I liked, then decided that I needed everything that I liked.
I scanned through the site and found a television and some vases. The need for a television was a no brainer. I would have searched for one with predetermined thought. The vases not so much. Seeing the vases made me think that I should have fresh flowers in my home and therefore I needed the vases.
I did not yet have my car to run around and pick up the television and vases so I asked Eddie. She again agreed to help me and dedicated an afternoon to take me to pick them up. The first place we went was to pick up the television. It was an amazing find. It was a brand new flat screen television for really cheap. I immediately decided to buy it and gave the owner the money he wanted for it. Eddie and the owner were going to carry it out to Eddie's car but on the way out I saw a microwave oven.
"That's what I need" I said out loud.
"I will sell it to you", said the owner. Again, the price he wanted for it was a bargain.
So after the transaction for the microwave, Eddie and the owner took the television out to her car. Eddie then made a second trip to carry the microwave to the car. When we were both back in the car, Eddie asked me where I wanted to go next. I directed her to the address of the person selling vases. I felt guilty while giving her the address because I was asking her to drive across the city to buy vases and my conscience was telling me I was inconveniencing her. The vases are an example of things I didn't think of that I needed, but once I saw them on the local buy and sell web site, then I had to have them.
Eddie did not question my motives. She told me that if that is what I wanted she had another hour and so she could take me. We arrived at the address and I went in alone because Eddie could not find a place to park. I was disappointed with the vases. Although they were unique shapes, the openings were big enough for only one flower stem. I realized the limitation of the vases but bought them anyway because I thought I could use them somehow; fill them with coloured rice and grains perhaps. He offered them all to me at a bargain price and so I bought them. My intellect that told me the vases were useless was not heeded . The vases ended up taking up space in a cupboard and I never thought about them again. I never did fill them with coloured rice.
Thinking back on the purchase of these vases I would approach it very differently now. I would not travel across the city to buy useless vases, If I needed one, then I would go to the dollar store. At the dollar store vases are priced at one to three dollars each and there is a variety of useful sizes and shapes to choose from. I would get one that suited my need at a given point in time.
Even though I did not have vases that were useful, the thought to buy flowers for my home remained and swirled in my head. I did buy flowers every time I went to the grocery store which over time cost me a small fortune. Even though I had useless vases, I still needed the flowers. This is the swell of cyclical daft befuddlement that enslaves the hoarder's mind. Once a perceived need begins it takes on a life of its own and it becomes the fuel for turbulent anxiety . The percieved need is acted upon with ferocious tenacity in an attempt to ease the anxiety. This happened without any conscious rational thought.
There is no logic to hoarding and it cannot be dealt with by using logic because where the anxiety comes from has no logic.
Back on the buy and sell Web page, I saw an old barn window frame which became a need to have. But I didn't stop at the old window frame, I needed to get a plethora of all things old and my mind cycled around antiques. I found a typewriter from 1920, a foot peddle sewing machine and one of the first black and white televisions ever made, none of which I needed. Not having a car didn''t stop me. In my industriousness ways I secured these items. They are in my townhouse taking up space and are all so damn heavy that they are a bitch to move. They in no way add to the ambience in my home but are put where they are out of my way and where I neither use them or anyone can see them. My hoarding began as quickly easily as that and I did not need my car to do it.
Now that I was home and managed walking, it was time to get my car and see if I could drive. When I was in the hospital and my house sold Diana drove my car to Trisha's to store it there. To retrieve my car, Trisha picked me up and took me to her place and gave me my car keys. I was nervous and excited at the same time. The last time I drove my manual car I could not orientate or coordinate my feet on the clutch and brake.
I was so glad to find that my driving skills returned. I could manage the clutch and brake without thinking about it. So, at that point I could walk, I could manage a home and I could drive. I began to wonder if I should be thinking about looking for a job.
