Derailed

 I had been working on my next blog which  further describes my physical deterioration as a continuation from my last blog but I got derailed with negative thoughts. I was sick last week for a couple of days and during that time I ran out of meds, so I went without my anti depression, anxiety and nerve damage pain control medication. As a result my emotional thoughts superceded my
intellectual  ones.

I went down a thought path where I felt unconfident about myself and the purpose of this blog and wether I should be doing it at all. I thought about my friends who one by one are retiring and doing things that I have on my bucket list which includes travelling and owning a house. I pay outrageous rent a month just to remain here because I have two dogs and there is no other rental accommodation that will accept two dogs. Besides, they have already wrecked this place. They are very old and have lost their bladder control. They have peed on one spot in my living area so I might as well stay here until they have passed away.

When comparing my financial situation with my friends who are successfully retired and are travelling I have myself a pity party. I focus on how I ruined my life and health through hoarding. I am a medical professional and should have a good retirement fund saved through work and my own savings. Because of my hoarding I lost my house which I would have owned by now and would be mortgage free. I would have had enough money to do the travelling I want to do except I spent everything I had. Any money I had saved I used up when I was disabled and had no source of income.

And so I was very discouraged and thought "is all I have in life is to blog about how I wrecked my life"?  Then a friend of mine who I see only occasionally because she lives in the opposite side of the country was here to visit and said that she needed to pick my brain about my experience because she has a loved one who is suffering with hoarding.   We had a conversation about my experience with hoarding and following that I told my friend that her enquiry came at a great time because it reinforced why I was blogging about hoarding, depression and alcoholism. The reason I am blogging about my experience is to help hoarders, their family and friends and the intervention service providers.

If anyone who is reading by blog as I write it has questions or comments please use the comment functionality included with the blogs. Perhaps other hoarders or their family and friends or service providers could use this blog to be encourage each other and gain insight into this mysterious disorder.  I will continue to blog to tell my story. I encourage everyone who is reading any portion of it to read from the first blog though to the most recent so it reads like a book.