Cornered Decisions

Dear Jacquie

Christmas at Diana's was great.  Using the walker proved successful to get around.  It was curious to me why I could not walk and yet if I hung onto a walker I could.  Even though my hands were numb,   pushing my upper body weight through my arms onto my hands which were placed on the walker worked.

Diana's huge house was laden with lights and Christmas decorations.  I felt a spark in my heart and it felt like Christmas, seeing the lights and enjoying a big turkey dinner with my family.  I only spent two hours there because Trisha suddenly said it was time to go.  I protested somewhat telling Trisha I was not ready to leave but her decision remained firm.

"Wait," Diana said, "I have a gift for Autumn."

 My gift from Diana was brilliant.  She gave me a cell phone so I could contact people from my hospital bed.  The cell phone was one that required purchased minutes and one hundred minutes came with the phone.  After I opened my gift, Trisha let her family know it was time to go and we gathered to say out goodbyes to everyone still partying and we left.  Driving back to the city I was aware of how much Trisha and Blair went out of their way and sacrificed their Christmas for me.  Taking me to Diana's added two hours to their trip.  They live on the edge of the city and the hospital was smack in the middle.  They had to travel through the city each way when they didn't have to if they did not pick me up.

I thanked Trisha for taking me to Diana's when she got me back to my room and then she left.  I found Joan in her bed.  The television was on the channel I had left it,  but she she was not watching it.  She was sleeping.  A nurse raised the head of my bed and helped me transfer from the wheelchair into the bed. Joan woke up and greeted me with a "Hi."

"Where did you go?"  she asked.

 I went to my sister's for Christmas" I answered.  "Did you family come to see you. "

"I don't know" she said, "maybe."

Again I got a glimpse of Joan's memory and cognitive function. " I would use my therapeutic skills in conversing with the cognitively impaired I had training for,  to make Joan's experience as my roommate as good as possible" I thought.

"Do you like this channel on the television?" I asked.

"Yes, I like to watch this"  she replied and then went back to sleep.  I took my night time meds and fell asleep with the television on.

***

Quickly the day of the family meeting arrived.  A social worker that had been assigned to my case prepared me for the meeting, explaining it was to decide what to do with my house.  Diana came up to my room and took me by wheelchair to a room in the Social Work Department.  I felt like a criminal on my way to attend my sentencing.  I knew what my criminal acts were.  I was not a thief, murderer, embezzler, or an abuser, but a hoarder, a crime that would follow me the rest of my life.  I am a hoarder, I committed a hoard and now I am about to be faced with the consequences.

From a hoarder's perspective hoarding is not a problem until some one else witnesses the hoard.   I always had hope by thinking that I will deal with things tomorrow.  Then, when someone else witnesses the devastation, the secret is out, it comes to light and the guilt. shame and self deformation begins as well as the pressure to deal with it. My hoard was witnessed first by my sister when she picked me up to go to the hospital.  At that point I became a hoarder.

There were  other witnesses to testify to what I had done.  Witnesses that saw the condition of my house.  and it turned out that there were more than I liked.  I found out later that my dad and my brother Jim had also gone into  my house.  I was very embarrassed and mortified that anyone would see my hoard.  I liken it to those dreams I've had where I was naked in public.  I  hated myself for destroying my house.

As I entered the meeting room I was shocked to see the witnesses that had come for my sentencing.  Trisha, Blair, Diana and her husband Karl.  The attendance of my sisters was not surprising but I had not anticipated that their husbands would be there.  To this day I'm not sure if my brother's-in-law were there for my sake or just for the sake of their wives, my sisters.  It was understandable that they would be there to oversee their wives interests as it was my sisters who were left with the clean up of my crime.

The social worker chaired the meeting and started the meeting with the general meeting etiquette.
"We are all here out of concern for Autumn and to determine what needs to done for a positive future for her"  was her introduction.  Then addressing me she said  "We don't really know what level of function you will regain, or what level of independence will be restored which will determine whether you will need assisted facility living. "Regardless" she went on "we need to start by addressing your house.  What are your thoughts about your house?"

"I would like to clean it and continue to live there." I replied.

The social worker then asked, which I'm sure my family was thinking, "How are you going to do that?"

I thought for a minute and could not come up with any solution to cleaning my house and before I could speak Diana reported that she check cleaning services and got estimates on how much it would cost to clean the house out.  "It will cost minimally ten thousand dollars to clean your house and that does not include dealing with the mold and mice."

"I'd like to wait until I know how much better I get and If I'm able I'll do it myself."  I said.

"Diana quickly pointed out, "It will take a while to determine how well you get and you don't know if you will.  Meanwhile you can't pay the mortgage."

"I can tap into the mortgage insurance with my disability." I said reaching for anything that would give me time to clean it out myself.

"You lived there ten years and in that time you let it get the way it is and never did anything to clean it up"  Diana said.  "In fact a couple of times we came over and cleaned up your house entirely and you did not maintain in, you let it get back the same way, even worse." she said sternly.

The social worker then addressed my family.  "What do your folks see happening."

Blair suggested that my house could be sold for the property value, house unseen.  "I know a real estate agent that would do that for us."

Trisha implored with me, "Just think how it would feel to get a fresh start and leave all that mess, that burden behind.  You could live a new life; the life you used to have when you had friends and family over, do your crafts; all the things you are good at and used to do."

I thought about how good  it would feel to start over with a clean slate but my need to undo what I had done was strong.   I felt I needed to clean up my mess.    "No," I said" I want to do anything necessary to clean up my house."

Just then Blair stood up and bolted for the door while saying, "I'm wasting my time here."

"Oh my gosh" I thought.  Blair is always so easy going and I had never seen him so stern.

I didn't want to disappoint Blair so before he reached the door I hollered "Wait! How would selling my house work."  I was glad to see him return to his chair and sit down.

"I can call the real estate agent, find out the details and get back to you."  Blair said  "I think this is your only course of action, and the best for you.  So do you you want me to call the agent?" he asked.

And so there it was.  The moment that I had to decide what to do about the results of my ten years of hoarding.  It wasn't a sentence after all, it was my decision.

"Yes", I answered Blair, "see what your real estate agent can do"  I felt like I had no other choice but to go with what my family wanted.  I knew if I did not say yes to selling my house that my family would not continue to help me.  Why would they if I chose not to do what seemed to be the only recourse.  The social worker then ended the meeting by summarizing that Blair would call his agent and report back to me.  

Blair gave me  a big hug and said "you have made the right decision and now you can start fresh".  

Trisha also gave me a big hug and said "I am excited for you for your future". 

Following the meeting Diana then took me to the hospital cafeteria for coffee.  We talked about how good my decision to sell my house was.  I did feel a sense of relief.  Thinking about dealing with that house was an overwhelming  burden on me and now I don't have to face it.  When I left my house to go to the hospital I didn't realize I would not have to come back and face what I had done.   I destroyed my house and got to just walk away from it.  

Walking away from my house however did not disperse my guilt.  Guilt that does not lead to knowledge only leads to the continuation of things the way they are; a protection for changelessness. (Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider:  Essays and Speeches)  I said yes to selling my house but only because I was cornered, pressed by my family and not because I had gained any understanding as to why I hoard.  Therefore at that point I was no further ahead in my psychological healing.  It was like I had shot some one with a gun and the courts said I could walk away if I sold the gun to some one else.  No need to look at self defence or insanity or any reason why I had shot someone.  Just sell the gun and walk away.  My family felt like the problem was being dealt with, but my guild remained.