Things had become routine in my new home. I walked my dogs daily at the off leash park by the river. Others at the park liked watching my dog's particular antics in the river and I liked watching the their amusement while they watched my dogs. Morgan, the black lab would pound the water's surface with her big paw causing an upwards cascade of splashes which she would then try to catch in her mouth. Mindy, the beagle would race with other dogs to catch a tennis ball I threw into the river. At the off leash all dogs innately know the rules and catching a ball often became a team sport.
My niece Daria and her husband Ansel had a beautiful husky they named Askar. They lived in the city and liked to exercise their dog at the off leash. On occasion we would walk our dogs together. We had decided to walk the dogs together on an upcoming Saturday. Meanwhile my dad was waiting for news on a biopsy he had on a stomach tumour. He had been complaining about stomach reflux and had difficulty eating when the doctor had discovered it. Our family did not have a history of cancer and I was confident that the growth was benign. Either that or I was in denial because I was not worried about his diagnosis at all.
It was that Saturday morning Daria, Ansel and I planned to walk the dogs at the off leash when Diana called me with the news that our dad in fact had cancer. When I heard the news it felt like I had been slapped by a cold wet rag which left me stunned for a moment. I said nothing. Diana continued,
"we are all going to mom and dads so I'll see you over there?"
"I'm walking my dogs with Daria and Ansel and then I'll be there" I said. "Does Daria know?" I asked.
"Yes." Diana said.
"Okay," I said, "I'll see you at dad's later," and I hung up.
Daria and Ansel with Askar met me at the off leash as planned. I remember it was a great day. It was in the summer and the sun was shining but it was not overly hot. We headed off on the off leash trails and talked about dad's diagnosis and what the immediate future was going to be like. We talked about if we thought his disease would be quickly progressive and how much he would suffer. We talked about how we should not have been surprised at the diagnosis given the difficulties he was having eating lately with his poor appetite and acid reflux. We reflected on how he was looking thinner these days and had no energy. We talked about other people's experience that we knew of, with cancer in an attempt to predict what he would be going through. We talked about how we thought my mom would deal with it. All this talk was rational and unemotional. I think we might have been in the denial phase of the grieving process. I also think that being in nature with the sun caressing our skin and then permeating into our souls facilitated a sense of calm.
We walked for over one hour at the off leash park and then headed over to my mom and dad's home. I was so happy that I could walk that long. We walked slowly which allowed me to walk further and longer. By the end though my legs were burning and I had reached my limit. When we arrived everyone in the family that did not live far away were already there. We were greeted with background chatter and bursts of laughter. It was like a normal get together for a bar-be-que for example. No one was talking about the cancer.
Diana's greeting however was not so usual. When a hug would have been normal, especially at such an occasion where we were together to digest bad news, instead she simply said,
"Where were you. I thought you'd want to be here sooner?"
"You knew Daria and I were walking the dogs at the off leash park." I replied appealing to her sense of logic.
With her eyes fixed on mine she said, "I just thought you would want to be here."
I could not respond to her thinking that I should have been at dad's sooner than I had arrived . All the thoughts about why I felt that I could take my time joining up with the family, and my thoughts about why she would want me there without haste circled around in my head and I could not land on a reply. Adding to my confusion was my hurt by the way she approached me.
My interaction with Diana set the tone for the rest of the gathering for me. I was hurt, went into my self doubt mode and became introspective in all I did and said making myself feel awkward inside. I have been this awkward many times. It doesn't take much for me to feel judged because I house the fear of being judged. As Criss Jami in his book Killosophy said,
“It has always seemed that a fear of judgment is the mark of guilt and the burden of insecurity.”
I experience guilt when I too quickly take on the victim role from my self perceived judgement.
I regret now feeling that way because that evening for me became about me and not the reason I went there, to be with everyone dealing with horrible news. Notice I say "regret" rather than "feel bad" that I allowed myself to get hurt that evening. I regret that I did react this way, but I am not holding myself accountable, do not feel guilty or bad about myself. I can see it this way now, but at the time and many other times, I react by taking on the victim role.
Thinking back to that evening, if I'd been more aware of my propensity to react like a victim I could have stopped it in it's very quick charge on attach and either made fun of Diana's expression or out right asked if she was upset about something.
Diana would have either laughed, said there was nothing wrong or told me what was bugging her, most likely one of the first tow even if something was bugging her. She is not good at talking things through. I also know when she feels attacked and not to proceed. Her fight or flight response is neither. She freezes like a rabbit. I have never made her freeze but I have witnessed it. She freezes and doesn't even blink. I didn't think it was humanly possible for a person to not blink for an extended period of time but her facial expression froze she did it one time for a good half an hour.
As that evening wore on although I remained feeling awkward emanating from my self inflicted guilt. I did come out of my introspective shell however long enough to wonder why we all were there. Were we there to make ourselves feel better or for dad to feel better. I didn't know if dad wanted to be alone for a bit to digest the news but he wasn't given the choice. I have experience working with dying people and their families and I know for sure that everyone handles bad news and grief differently and there is no way to predict anyones reactions. To make people's responses even more unpredictable, just add into the mix the family members relationships with each other and who takes on what role in crises. As dad's illness progressed, I would find out how my family's dynamics would play out.
In the midst of all the activity around my dad, I approached him and asked him if all the activity around him was something he wanted. He looked around and said,
"It's nice I guess, to know everyone cares. but I need to make sure I have a good picture for my funeral. I don't think there is a good recent picture of me to use at the funeral."
We then got the family photographer, who had her camera with her to take pictures of dad and some group photos. Dad chose one of him that he really liked and that is the one we used as his portrait at his funeral. We all have a copy of that picture as well.
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